Memorizing Lyrics

I've noticed more and more people with a knack for memorizing lyrics.  It seems like it's one of those things you notice because you absolutely fucking suck at it.  The way you'd look at Jordans if you're feet were wrapped in plastic bags.  I completely mastered The Real Slim Shady in the 5th grade and it took me months of listening and rapping to myself and a lot of bored afternoons.  And then the song got replaced on the radio and it faded from the public eye.  Needless to say, memorizing that song never got me a handjob... yet.

Guilt Sleeping

There are two cases of guilt sleeping that come to mind immediately. Ironically, neither of them have to do with sex.

The first occurrence was seen by my roommate, who was was a notorious napper. He would skip class and sleep, skip meals and sleep, and pretty much sleep all the time. So I, as his friendly, helpful and quite annoying roommate would frequently try and wake him up to get his sleep pattern back to normal. One day I came home from work and heard shuffling. I opened the door slowly to give him time to hide any animal porn paraphernalia or anything incriminating. When I opened the door fully I saw him standing up straight in front of his bed in a guinea tee and shorts. His eyes were straining to be as open as possible and his bed was unmade behind him. Before I could say anything he blurted out "I was not sleeping."

Guilt sleeping is the effect of waking up guilty for sleeping, although there is no reason to feel that way. It affects 1 out of 1 people.

Another popular case would be when you receive a phone call at say 9 in the morning from your Mom or a good friend who has a real job. They will almost always ask, "Oh I'm sorry, did I wake you?" And for some reason, even though your first class is at 1:15 you will insist "Noo wayy, I was wide awake. Nope, definitely not sleeping. I was doing some crunches and eating a healthy balanced breakfast. And I have someone on call waiting. Yea, I was making calls too. They were sleeping. Fucking slackers."

Scoundrels and Scalliwags

Today I caught four teenagers trying to sneak into a rated R movie. To do so they literally crawled down the hallway Solid Snake-style. After catching them I doled out the most appropriate punishment I could think of. I forced them to return to Hotel for Dogs.

Lil Wayne

It was truly apparent what a phenomenon Lil Wayne had become when I saw him in Gears of War 2.

Bird Poop

When I was younger, it seemed like one of my worst fears was pigeons flying overhead and bombing me. Or geese. Geese are notorious for shitting everywhere. It seems kind of silly now that I think about it, because there are so many things worse that can happen to you than being crapped on by a bird.
Like being pooped on by a human.