The Chocolate Mousse Cake from 8 hours ago

I love that in the 7 hours I was at work, noone decided to tell me I had chocolate on my face.  

Madden

Today, my girlfriend and I played Madden.  It was her first time playing, and at one point I had to explain to her that choosing a punt return lineup every time was not a good defensive strategy.  She won by four points.  FML.

Return

I have returned from my hiatus.  Between preparing for the stand-up competition and my 8 minute buns workout, I've been a busy bee.  Thankfully the stand-up is over so I will resume my blogular duties.  Thank you for your patience, reader(s).

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Classic plot.  Four teens take a road trip across the country and get stuck in bumblefuck nowhere and face a group of cannibalistic psychos, a wannabe sheriff, and a big ass dude with a chainsaw.  

Major plot flaw:  Cows cannot apparate.  That's Newton's 2nd law of physics.  How on earth could you drive for such a long period of time on FLAT LAND and not see a cow in the distance on the road.  Taking your eyes off the road for three seconds does not justify the mysterious appearance of a cow that you then crash into, leaving you and your hot female friends susceptible to a string of unfortunate events.  

Childhood Lessons

Remember Aubrey

a boob does not count 

if its without a nipple.  

Hook Up Bracelets

In 7th and 8th grade most girls in my junior highschool class wore those "hook-up bracelets"  created from the inside of a soda cap.  In theory, ripping one of these bracelets would mean that the girl is obligated to hook up (tongue kiss, not fuck... I asked) with the person who ripped them.  Sometimes girls would wear 5 or more of these bracelets, I suppose in case 5 different guys ripped them before she could get another soda.  The ironic part about these bracelets, was that the girls who wore them were prudes, and ripping one produced pretty much zero effect.  I would walk into science and find some of my friends ripping 8 at a time from a girl who is clearly trying to defend herself.  And then, nothing would happen.  The girl would sit back down and life would go on.  No hooking up.  It was estimated that it would take 10 bracelets to get a handshake, 25 for a hug, and 40 for a kiss on the cheek.  His mere 8 bracelets earned him a fleeting glance, and he had two bracelets left over to apply to a wink should he acquire more.  

Skateboarding

Playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 during your childhood does NOT enable you to jump cement staircases 6 years later when you find a skateboard.

Why wouldn't they put that in their disclaimer?

One-Liner

What's the difference between Lil' Wayne and a retarded baby on a newspaper?

One is a multi-grammy winning artist who is nationally recognized for his excellence in music.  He is also a male adult, and black while the baby was given no gender or race.  The baby is simply genetically flawed to our societal understanding of what is normal.  They have millions of differences, ranging from their appetites, to their biological forms, to their shape, smell and creative thought.  What a ridiculous comparison.  It would be absurd to suggest that these two characters had anything in common.   

Ringtones

You know that guy that sets different ringtones for different people.  I'm gonna be that guy.  Fuck it, I might even get an obnoxious belt buckle with my name on it.

Cheerleaders Arrested for Pyramid Scheme

Stopwatch

I bought a stopwatch so that I can finally start working out.

That's the joke.

Laws of Wristwatches

Wearing a wristwatch implies that you were born before January 1st, 1987, and are either too stuck in the past, or not sophisticated enough to check your cell phone for the time.  

If you wear a wristwatch and a bluetooth, and make less than $200,000 a year, you better be counting down til you self-destruct or you're a douche.

If you wear a wristwatch and pajama pants, and make less than $100,000 a year, your screenplay had better win a fuckin Oscar or you're a tool.

If you wear only a wristwatch, you better be trying to beat some sort of record, or you're a fag.

Alter Egos

Beyonce recently created an alter ego, Sasha Fierce.

See if you can fill in the blank and identify other cases of Multiple Personality Disorder.

Word Bank: Diddy, Eminem, Miley Cyrus, Some sort of symbol, Keanu Reeves

Hint: Keanu Reeves doesn't have a personality

1. _______ : Slim Shady

2. Hannah Montana : ________

3. Puff Daddy : ________

4. Prince : ________

Answers:  (1) Eminem, (2) Miley Cyrus, (3) Diddy, (4) What the fuck is that?

Daylight Savings Time

Contrary to popular belief, Daylight Savings Time was not invented to match sunlight with waking hours, but solely to confuse the shit out of drunk people on Saturday nights.

Toto

A friend and I tricked a dog into following us to intermediate school. It was probably ten feet from his home originally, but we lured it for miles as we walked. Then we tried to smuggle it inside the builiding. We were caught immediately. The Pound came. Took Dog. Executed.

Are you sure?

This is an excerpt from a real dinner conversation in which my friend's brother told his family he was gay.

Brother:  So, I'm glad you're all here.  I just want to let you know, that I'm gay.  And I would like your support on this.

Other brother: Holy shit I'm soooo fucking surprised.

Mom: Yeah we know honey, let's eat it's getting cold.

Dad:  Are you sure you're gay?

Brother:  Are you guys fucking Serious!? No dad, I'm not sure but I thought I'd stand up at the dinner table and tell you I'm gay just in case.  Assholes.

Ten News Headlines That Will Become Outdated Soon if I Don't Post Them

Little Girl stock plummeted today as millions were reminded of Dakota Fanning’s existence.

 Republicans who dealt with Obama’s win in the 2008 election by constantly saying president “elect” have switched to the more ominous president “for now.”

  Cosmo’s “369 things your guy thinks when you’re naked” wins Pulitzer for investigative journalism and original concept.

Skippy recalls peanut products because “everyone else was doing it.”

Blink 182 unanimously decides to abandon individual goals and musical endeavors as they remember money was why they got into music in the first place.

 Jack Nicholson finally gets credit for his Heath Ledger prediction and gave an honoroary storm warning at his local weather channel.

 A-rod denies not taking not performance-unenhancing drugs.

 President Obama’s first act of office bans torture.  Sandra Bullock and Guantanomo Bay were shut down as a result.

 Rogue Pictures decided to cut the bullshit and named Channing Tatum’s new movie about fighting, “Fighting.”

 Facebook makes online life a little bit more like real life by allowing members to like things.  

Why should you see the Hannah Montana movie?

Because you love her music and the movie features 12 brand new songs, which practically makes it a musical.

Because you want something to talk about to the girls at the elementary school three miles from your house, but a perfect place to walk your two-year old jack russell terrier at recess.

Because you're gay, and you think slipping Hannah Montana movies quotes in your profile that are only visible when you highlight the text will ease the news to your friends.

Because the dickhead at the register won't let you see Watchmen, so you bought a Hannah Montana ticket to sneak in but he followed you and forced you to watch this shit.

Origami Fortune Tellers

I feel like I don't know what direction my life should be going in.  And I think the reason is that noone has approached me with an origami fortune teller recently.  A lot of them were pretty dramatic, with the final results like "Get married, Die, Have babies, Die, Buy a house, Become a hermit,  Become a millionaire, Turn Gay."  And they would always write them as good, bad, good, bad.  So if you did it once you could just remember whether to pick an even number or an odd number to get a good or bad response.  Origami Fortune Tellers spawned a nation of celebrity following, reality T.V. watching, soap opera loving teens, hinged on the idea of dramatic life, and that good and bad things take turns.  

List of Reasons Why Pharell is Cool

1. ....


Seriously why does anyone like him?
He sings the way I think a mouse would sing if it were stuck in a microwave.

P.S. I'm almost out of pop culture icons that I passionately detest, I might have to go back to dick jokes soon.