The Ped Egg

If you haven't seen it, it's a cheese grater for your foot.  The idea is to remove the callous' from your feet in the comfort of your own home.  This is okay.  I can deal with this.  BUT... the Ped Egg is shaped like an egg.  Why you might ask? Because it stores all your gratings in the container so you can easily empty it.  I have to respect that it's become okay in society to keep a container full of your own foot shavings somewhere in your home.

Poopy Heaven

This is where all the poops go after you flush them if they've been good little boys and girls.  

Letter to my Savior

Dear theoneCrust,
I do not much about you, because like the back of my head in a mirror you disappeared before I could catch a glimpse of you. But you left me a gift, nay; you left the world a gift. With your divine technology and Xvid software you did something that will startle the world for ages. All I know of you is this alias which undoubtedly means something way cooler than I could possibly think of. Thank you for providing me with the Disney channel original movie Brink in 11 parts on youtube. May you be blessed with good fortune and get all the pussy you can dream of.
Your disciple,
Aubz

Chumbawumba

Chumbawumba had one of the coolest one hit wonders ever.  As a young lad, I would put that cd in and jam out in my living room.  I may be mixing up my ages here, but I'm pretty sure it was the same phase when I thought I was Mowgli from the Jungle Book.  So I'd be jamming out in my tighty-whiteys (the ones with cartoons mass printed on my ass) that were so tight its a wonder my balls took so long to drop.  The thing was that I thought that song was awesome when I was kid, and then I found out it was about drinking  when I was older, and it kind of shattered the whole innocence of it.  But it also kind of explained why my dad was also in his tighty-whiteys jamming out to it.

Retiring

You are not allowed to retire more than once.  Period.  Michael Jordan was the first to do it in my generation and it pissed me off.  At first his jerseys and cards became invaluable, and everyone wanted his rookie MLB cards.  Bulls fans prayed he didn't retire but like any good God should do; he should not have answered their prayers!

Jay-Z made nine albums before he retired.  His retirement was a huge deal.  He released the Black Album, an autobiography, and the S Dot Carter sneaker line.  These sold like crazy because everyone thought he was done for good, to concentrate on his business ventures like bringing the New Jersey Nets to Brooklyn and stuff like that.  But no, the asshole came back like a year later, appearing on other people's tracks and then releasing his own post-retirement album.  I refused to even download it illegally, and frequently bash Jay-Z whenever I can.  (Jay-Z is a stupid fuck.)

I just found out that Eminem will be releasing another album and that really pisses me off.  (Jay-Z is sooo ugly.)  If someone makes the decision that they need time to themself and they feel like they're cheating the consumer by putting out bad music,  what could their motivation be to change their mind?

 

Kool Lights

I think if I were ever to take up smoking, I would smoke Kool Lights.  I admire the marketing because of its straightforwardness and clear intentions.  "You will be ____ if you smoke ____s. And, just to show how hip and trendy we are, let's spell Cool with a K."  Done, I'm sold.  At least until my hypothetical self that smokes Kools discovers a brand new cigarette called Fun.  Except it's spelled  Phun.  Then I'd smoke both.

L.A. Lights

These are the sneakers that light up when you stomp.  I don't know where they have gone, I don't know why they're not in my size.  If it's money they want for them, I will give them what they need.  If they give me the sneaker, this will be the end of it.  If not, I will find them, and I will kill them...  And then I will wear the aforementioned light-up sneaker.