Daylight Savings Time

Contrary to popular belief, Daylight Savings Time was not invented to match sunlight with waking hours, but solely to confuse the shit out of drunk people on Saturday nights.

Toto

A friend and I tricked a dog into following us to intermediate school. It was probably ten feet from his home originally, but we lured it for miles as we walked. Then we tried to smuggle it inside the builiding. We were caught immediately. The Pound came. Took Dog. Executed.

Are you sure?

This is an excerpt from a real dinner conversation in which my friend's brother told his family he was gay.

Brother:  So, I'm glad you're all here.  I just want to let you know, that I'm gay.  And I would like your support on this.

Other brother: Holy shit I'm soooo fucking surprised.

Mom: Yeah we know honey, let's eat it's getting cold.

Dad:  Are you sure you're gay?

Brother:  Are you guys fucking Serious!? No dad, I'm not sure but I thought I'd stand up at the dinner table and tell you I'm gay just in case.  Assholes.

Ten News Headlines That Will Become Outdated Soon if I Don't Post Them

Little Girl stock plummeted today as millions were reminded of Dakota Fanning’s existence.

 Republicans who dealt with Obama’s win in the 2008 election by constantly saying president “elect” have switched to the more ominous president “for now.”

  Cosmo’s “369 things your guy thinks when you’re naked” wins Pulitzer for investigative journalism and original concept.

Skippy recalls peanut products because “everyone else was doing it.”

Blink 182 unanimously decides to abandon individual goals and musical endeavors as they remember money was why they got into music in the first place.

 Jack Nicholson finally gets credit for his Heath Ledger prediction and gave an honoroary storm warning at his local weather channel.

 A-rod denies not taking not performance-unenhancing drugs.

 President Obama’s first act of office bans torture.  Sandra Bullock and Guantanomo Bay were shut down as a result.

 Rogue Pictures decided to cut the bullshit and named Channing Tatum’s new movie about fighting, “Fighting.”

 Facebook makes online life a little bit more like real life by allowing members to like things.  

Why should you see the Hannah Montana movie?

Because you love her music and the movie features 12 brand new songs, which practically makes it a musical.

Because you want something to talk about to the girls at the elementary school three miles from your house, but a perfect place to walk your two-year old jack russell terrier at recess.

Because you're gay, and you think slipping Hannah Montana movies quotes in your profile that are only visible when you highlight the text will ease the news to your friends.

Because the dickhead at the register won't let you see Watchmen, so you bought a Hannah Montana ticket to sneak in but he followed you and forced you to watch this shit.

Origami Fortune Tellers

I feel like I don't know what direction my life should be going in.  And I think the reason is that noone has approached me with an origami fortune teller recently.  A lot of them were pretty dramatic, with the final results like "Get married, Die, Have babies, Die, Buy a house, Become a hermit,  Become a millionaire, Turn Gay."  And they would always write them as good, bad, good, bad.  So if you did it once you could just remember whether to pick an even number or an odd number to get a good or bad response.  Origami Fortune Tellers spawned a nation of celebrity following, reality T.V. watching, soap opera loving teens, hinged on the idea of dramatic life, and that good and bad things take turns.  

List of Reasons Why Pharell is Cool

1. ....


Seriously why does anyone like him?
He sings the way I think a mouse would sing if it were stuck in a microwave.

P.S. I'm almost out of pop culture icons that I passionately detest, I might have to go back to dick jokes soon.