LOLcatz

LOLcatz are like Adam Sandler comedies.  They're not funny and pretty much all the same, but every once in a while you'll chuckle at one.

What is 4 dollars worth?

Is it worth some fruit juice and a teensy bit of alcohol? No.  Is it worth a deragatory insult from a mean bartender as he scoffs at your one dollar tip? No.  Is it worth the stupid plastic shark that comes with your shark shot?  Fuck yes.

Times J.K. Rowling Has Pissed Me Off

When, after all 7 books were complete, lazily in an interview she mentioned that Dumbledore was gay the whole time, causing a huge speculation about whether Dumbledore was molesting Harry Potter throughout the books.  Dumbledore did not need to molest Harry.  He could do fucking magic.  If he wanted to he could fucking create a second Harry Potter that could suck his dick whenever he was on the john.  He's a fucking wizard people.

Amish Porn

An undertapped market.

Haikus

Haikus are just words

which when combined can make you

sound extremely gay

Mickey Rourke

Mickey Rourke was awesome at boxing when he was a kid.  He fought as a bantamweight and won tons of shit.  Then he had one role in a local play and was like fuck it, I like acting.  Then he was an awesome actor.  And then an international sex symbol for his controversial roles in movies like 9 1/2 weeks.  And the best part is, he has no self-respect and makes terrible decisions.  That's called modesty! He turned down roles in Pulp Fiction, Silence of the Lambs, Rain Man and the Untouchables.  Then when he was turning 40, he was like, "I forget what it's like to beat the shit out of people."  So in 1991 he just went back to boxing.  Oh yeah, and he was undefeated in his 8 fights.  His fucking trainer was Chuck Zito from Hell's Angels!  I don't even know who that is but he sounds fuckin awesome.  Then Mickey went back to acting and instantly became Man of the Year by Total Film for Sin City.  As far as I'm concerned, Mickey Rourke is the Man of the Year, every year.  

(Below:  A diesel beast.  Upon further examination it looks like Mickey at age 56.  In his Oscar nominated role for Best Actor.)

Jokes I remember telling when I was 6

Why was 6 afraid of 7?  Cause 7 ate 9

Why was the calendar sad?  Cause its days were numbered

Why are elephants big, gray and wrinkly?  Cause if they were small, white and smooth they'd be confused for aspirin.

And the classic situational joke.  Whenever someone said "Excuse me" I would retort:  Whadja do, fart?  And then laugh at my brilliance.  God I was fuckin awesome.

My Mexistache Part 2

I had to shave it off.  It was disgusting.  I was also forced to by loved ones and employers.

Real Xbox Live Message Sent to Me

Anonymous:  umm are you fucking serious?? we met like two days ago and you think that were going out on xbox?  gtfo my friends list looser  if i were dating anyone on xbox live it wouldnt be you, stalker

I think this speaks wonders about our generation.

The Best Part about the 6th Grade

A lot of people thought that the friends they made were the best part of starting junior high.  Maybe it was the scheduling flexibility, or the more adult environment.  I think that the best part of the 6th grade was that I was old enough to beat my meat, but too young to make any gravy.  

Bad Guys who Miss with Automatic Weapons

I don't get it.  I understand that in these turbulent times, not everyone can afford to have henchmen practicing their accuracy all the time.  It would be wasteful of time, ammunition and energy.  And for this reason, I forgive inaccuracy with pistols.  Pistols are hard to aim, and a lot can change between your first shot and your second.  But an automatic gun is like using a hose.  You can fucking see what's getting wet and how to change your angle to get what you want.  Don't these bad guys have dicks?  Okay, maybe Ivan was just a cousin of the mob leader and had never wanted to join but his electrician's practice in the Soviet Union closed down and he needed some money to keep his children in school.  Maybe this was the first gun he'd ever fired, and he was frightened of actually connecting with his target, and would prefer if he just wasted some bullets before his target actually ended his life once and for all, so that his children could collect from Soviet Social Security.  Oh wait.  There's no such thing.  My only plausible excuse for these assholes' actions has been foiled by the smartest person I know: Me.  Double win.  I know what you're thinking.  It's just for entertainment.  But you know what would also be entertaining AND realistic, if maybe they were put in a compromised circumstance in which it were very difficult to fire (i.e. sand in eyes, motorcycle, etc.) or maybe if they had regular pistols or maybe! if they just fucking shot the Douche Magouche they were aiming for.  And yes, Liam Neeson, I'm saying you should have died in that ship's hallway.  (zOMG imagine Liam Neeson read my blog!! XD)

Blowjobs

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My Mexi-stache

Noone appreciates my shaving.  Just because I don't grow a big bushy beard doesn't mean I don't like being told I look better when I shave.  No one knows what I look like with a thin wispy Mexistache (n. a moustache commonly attributed to pubescent Mexican 10 year olds) because I shave almost every week.  Well, no more.  As of last Tuesday, I have decided to not shave until my shaving is appreciated.  I am not delusioned into thinking my Mexistache is cute, I do agree I think it makes me seem like I know a lot about lawn care, but it overall is not a positive thing.  You brought this upon yourselves, unappreciative viewers of my face! (Jay-Z is still uglier)

My Contribution to the Environment

A kitten claws at its own face, tormented by the plastic bag on its whiskers. It begins to bleed, slowly at first then exponentially faster. The plastic bag becomes damp with blood as it squirms, squealing with pain. Is this the world you want to live in? Where every kitten is like this, dying in the streets of our beautiful cities. Literally, every kitten! I won’t leave the question to your diseased mind. The answer is no, you don’t. Is the war going to come down to plastics and kittens. No. It will be plastics and humans. Or kittens and humans! No its actually plastics and humans. Plastics have come a long way since their oil based polymers, and have shaped our world in countless places. From transportation to medical plants, balloons to sanitation, plastics continue to shape our world every day. One way they are not helpful though, is on the faces of kittens. It is not just here on land that unrecycled plastic bags run loose, frolicking in delight as they kill household pets and rape nuns. In the rivers, the victims are otters. In the oceans, the victims are seals. You may notice that the victims are always the cutest animals in the world. This is not an accident. Cute animals are always the targets of oil-based polymers that aren’t recycled. So recycle your shit, or they will literally kill everything you love in this world.

Sick

I thought I was getting sick for a second.  My girlfriend is sick  and so is my suitemate.  And I thought to myself... I was so careful.  I took my vitamins.  I drank orange juice.  I wore a jacket when I went outside.  Then why does my stomach feel like its upset with me.  I definitely don't have an appetite.  Dammit.  I might need help finishing this 7th sleeve of Oreos.

Sandra Bullock

I sincerely don't understand how anyone can watch a movie with Sandra Bullock in it.  She's an awful actress.  And.. she looks like the lady who feeds pigeons in Home Alone.  I'm torn because she's in a new movie with Ryan Reynolds and while I enjoy watching him, I want to jerk off with a barb wire glove when I watch her butthole of a mouth open and close in mindless, dribble of dialogue.  I fucking hate her.

Doctor's Office

Sometimes you get boners at awkward times.  In class, when you have to rest your arm on top of it and move it to the side.  In church, when you have to tuck it up inside your belt to stand up and say "and also with you."  Most times these boners go unnoticed by the general public because obviously, noone is looking for them.  The doctor's office is different.  You may not know why you have a boner, you just know that you do.  And within minutes, your fifty year old pediatrician is going to grab you like a joystick as he hunts for your balls.  A nice Korean family has just entered the room, and you know you have 5 minutes to lose your erection.  You start flipping through a magazine, wondering why they have such hot moms in Highlights.  Receptionist behind the desk? Hot.  News broadcaster on TV? Hot.  There it is.  You know what you have to do.  The forty year old Puerto Rican taking his fat eight year old son to the doctor.  You settle into your chair and lean forward, eyeing him up.  He looks menacing, with one gold earring and a stern brow ridge.  He catches your eye and turns away, still menacing but now confused as well.  No time to break contact.  Study him.  Think about his fat disgusting body and his retarded son playing together.  Oh no his wife finds his menacing appeal but fatherly attitude attractive.  She wants to blow him.  FOCUS.  Picture him taking a shit.  With his son.  Holding hands.  Picture the scent.  And the sloppy sounds.  Picture... Oh shit he noticed you staring at him.  He's mad.  Picture him beating the shit out of you for staring at him with a boner.  Ahh that'll do the trick.

Lau Babii's History Lesson

This is one of the most ridiculous conversations I have ever had with a human being.  I swear on my life that nothing has been edited, deleted, or changed.  I oath it.  This conversation took place in high school and this girl, Lau Babii, is not playing along, she is not a friend of mine, and she is not humoring me.  She is genuine, and completely serious.  She only approached me because she needed help and I was in A.P. American History.

How to Make Someone Believe You Completely

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:47:37 PM): is michigan a state?

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:47:45 PM): no its a republic

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:47:53 PM): wats a republic 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:47:56 PM): like puerto rico

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:48:03 PM): and hawaii

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:48:22 PM): but wats the difference between a state n a republic 

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:48:28 PM): i thoguht puerto rico was a countryy 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:48:38 PM): no puerto rico is a republic

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:48:48 PM): usually island countries are republics

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:48:59 PM): like michigan, puerto rico and hawaii

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:49:07 PM): oo its an island? hmm i neva knew these thingss 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:49:22 PM): thats why all the cars come from detroit, cuz labor is cheaper in republics cuz its a sub-government

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:49:40 PM): wats a sub government lol 

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:49:45 PM): as u can tlel im a history geniuss 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:49:58 PM): its where its led my a military dictator

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:50:36 PM): but we are still trade sugar and coffee to them so they are recognized as a republic

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:50:58 PM): i didnt even kno we had dictatorss 

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:51:04 PM): this is all confusingg 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:51:08 PM): lolol where have you been

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:51:20 PM): lol i thought they were in lik centuries agoo 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:51:23 PM): Vincenzo Guadalupe

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:51:38 PM): who is thatt lmaoo 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:51:50 PM): the dude who commited mass regicide in Puerto Rico

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:52:33 PM): does that eman kill alot of people? 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:53:13 PM): lol this is pathetic

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:53:24 PM): lol im relee dumbb at historyy 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:53:32 PM): no its when you slaughter an entire gender in a city

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:53:48 PM): so he slaughtered men or womenn 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:53:55 PM): women

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:53:59 PM): yy 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:54:20 PM): cuz hes a religious extremist

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:54:45 PM): and women who have had their umbilical cord removed, are by the BIble, sinners

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:54:54 PM): kinda sick

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:54:57 PM): lmaoo 

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:55:02 PM): this dude has a sick mindd 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:55:56 PM): yea thats why Dan Brown was gettin sued by Opus Dei, cuz he shed light on the regicide in the republic

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:56:08 PM): how do u knoo thiss 

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:56:09 PM): lol 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:56:22 PM): dont you watch espn2?

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:56:35 PM): noo lol 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:56:38 PM): they have a special on it every tuesday night

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:56:49 PM): happenings in the republics

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:57:07 PM): they wanted to get their own channel but the government wouldnt subsidize their insurance

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:57:15 PM): lmaoo 

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:57:20 PM): id rather watch one tree hill 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:57:35 PM): are you kiddin me?

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:57:55 PM): history jus doesnt tickle my picklee 

Papa Pueblo 89 (10:58:52 PM): the main girl whos a bitch on one tree hill just filed a class beta action lawsuit against Riddick Yulos for his overproduction of child labor laws

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:59:22 PM): wattt 

Xx LaU BaBii xX (10:59:28 PM): lol i dun even understand wat that meanss 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:00:02 PM): shes gettin like 13 billion dollars and shes gonna donate it all to the orphans in Michigan to fund a group that is against child labor

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:00:14 PM): which girll 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:00:25 PM): cuz over in those republics theyll have kids workin to the bone to make nike sandals

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:00:34 PM): the one whos a sick bitch

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:00:38 PM): brooke? 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:00:43 PM): YEA

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:00:49 PM): lol sophia bushh then 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:00:56 PM): thats the one lol

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:01:04 PM): lol 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:01:07 PM): shes not such a bitch in real life

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:01:34 PM): lol eya but she was engaged to chad michael murray so shes not good in my book lol 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:01:49 PM): lol well she may have made Nike collapse

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:02:00 PM): well nike isnt my fav eitherr lol 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:02:22 PM): Puma is buying out Nike mergers and theyre gonna come out with Puma-Airs

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:02:31 PM): hopefully without child labor this time 

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:02:33 PM): lol r u seriouss 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:03:22 PM): why puma's madd cool

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:03:39 PM): lol i jus foudn that funny 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:03:52 PM): lol i dunno im buyin em

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:04:08 PM): supposedly their gonna do ads with ipods to boost their rep

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:04:24 PM): the shoe? 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:04:28 PM): yea

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:04:43 PM): ya know the ads with liek bright white ipods and earphones

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:04:58 PM): theyre gonna make the shoes stand out too

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:05:11 PM): but then ppl make think theyre tyrin to sell the ipod 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:05:35 PM): well im sure they have it worked out, they probably each get a cut

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:05:43 PM): lol 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:06:21 PM): and if they get a lil too powerful, reagan's gonna whoop their monkey asses with the Sherbet Anti-Trust Act

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:06:44 PM): reagan died silly 

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:06:47 PM): i kno that onee! 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:07:05 PM): lol he made the act before he died

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:07:09 PM): its still in action today

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:07:14 PM): i was using a metapho

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:07:14 PM): oo lol 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:07:18 PM): *metaphor

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:07:41 PM): gotchyaa lol 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:08:08 PM): lol

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:08:26 PM): well ive had quite a blast informin you on world happenings

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:08:34 PM): we should do this more often

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:09:16 PM): i knoo 

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:09:21 PM): i want a daily history elsson 

Xx LaU BaBii xX (11:09:23 PM): lesson* 

Papa Pueblo 89 (11:09:53 PM): you got it

Misty's Shorts Were Too High

I went through puberty at the time that Pokemon was on TV.  Which was pretty wierd.  Cause as much as I wanted to have a Lugia to fly on and carry pokeballs on my waist and quit school and travel and wear my hat backward (my mom didn't let me); I also wanted Brock to fuck Misty senseless.  It was all very confusing for me, because sometimes I could picture Machamp as just be a fighting pokemon easily taken care of by a grass type, and sometimes I would picture Machamp smiling at me as his balls rhythmically collided with a hot gym leader's pubic mound.  

Washing Jeans

Some people wash their jeans every time they wear them, ignoring the well known fact that jeans don't get dirty.  I have compiled a list of reasons why you should ever wash your jeans.

1.

Trick question.  There is no circumstance in which you should ever wash your jeans. 

Instead I've compiled a short list of tips and tricks for some of the trickiest scenarios.

1) If you shit in them. Don't worry this one is conditional.  Scoop out the shit and pat with a damp paper towel.  Don't rub!  Then use a tide-to-go pen and you're good to go.  Smell ya later shit stain! 

2) If you bleed on them.  You are in a car crash that leaves your legs mangled.  It also leaves your jeans bloody and dirty, what do you do?  Throw em out.  You don't need jeans anymore.  But as for your blood-spattered denim vest?  Turn it inside out.  Wear immediately. 

3) If you have grass stains on them and everyone keeps noticing the frequency that you wear them because you totally dropped the ball by distinguishing them.  Easy.  Put grass stains on all your jeans.  Whut up?!

Showering

Whenever I take a shower and I see something on the floor like lint or a hair, I stick my hand out and let the water run down it.  Then I point to the problem, and the water washes it away like a water ride.  Log flumes are annoying though, because the feces just sits by the drain and you have to separate your feet so you dont step in it.  

The Ped Egg

If you haven't seen it, it's a cheese grater for your foot.  The idea is to remove the callous' from your feet in the comfort of your own home.  This is okay.  I can deal with this.  BUT... the Ped Egg is shaped like an egg.  Why you might ask? Because it stores all your gratings in the container so you can easily empty it.  I have to respect that it's become okay in society to keep a container full of your own foot shavings somewhere in your home.

Poopy Heaven

This is where all the poops go after you flush them if they've been good little boys and girls.  

Letter to my Savior

Dear theoneCrust,
I do not much about you, because like the back of my head in a mirror you disappeared before I could catch a glimpse of you. But you left me a gift, nay; you left the world a gift. With your divine technology and Xvid software you did something that will startle the world for ages. All I know of you is this alias which undoubtedly means something way cooler than I could possibly think of. Thank you for providing me with the Disney channel original movie Brink in 11 parts on youtube. May you be blessed with good fortune and get all the pussy you can dream of.
Your disciple,
Aubz

Chumbawumba

Chumbawumba had one of the coolest one hit wonders ever.  As a young lad, I would put that cd in and jam out in my living room.  I may be mixing up my ages here, but I'm pretty sure it was the same phase when I thought I was Mowgli from the Jungle Book.  So I'd be jamming out in my tighty-whiteys (the ones with cartoons mass printed on my ass) that were so tight its a wonder my balls took so long to drop.  The thing was that I thought that song was awesome when I was kid, and then I found out it was about drinking  when I was older, and it kind of shattered the whole innocence of it.  But it also kind of explained why my dad was also in his tighty-whiteys jamming out to it.

Retiring

You are not allowed to retire more than once.  Period.  Michael Jordan was the first to do it in my generation and it pissed me off.  At first his jerseys and cards became invaluable, and everyone wanted his rookie MLB cards.  Bulls fans prayed he didn't retire but like any good God should do; he should not have answered their prayers!

Jay-Z made nine albums before he retired.  His retirement was a huge deal.  He released the Black Album, an autobiography, and the S Dot Carter sneaker line.  These sold like crazy because everyone thought he was done for good, to concentrate on his business ventures like bringing the New Jersey Nets to Brooklyn and stuff like that.  But no, the asshole came back like a year later, appearing on other people's tracks and then releasing his own post-retirement album.  I refused to even download it illegally, and frequently bash Jay-Z whenever I can.  (Jay-Z is a stupid fuck.)

I just found out that Eminem will be releasing another album and that really pisses me off.  (Jay-Z is sooo ugly.)  If someone makes the decision that they need time to themself and they feel like they're cheating the consumer by putting out bad music,  what could their motivation be to change their mind?

 

Kool Lights

I think if I were ever to take up smoking, I would smoke Kool Lights.  I admire the marketing because of its straightforwardness and clear intentions.  "You will be ____ if you smoke ____s. And, just to show how hip and trendy we are, let's spell Cool with a K."  Done, I'm sold.  At least until my hypothetical self that smokes Kools discovers a brand new cigarette called Fun.  Except it's spelled  Phun.  Then I'd smoke both.

L.A. Lights

These are the sneakers that light up when you stomp.  I don't know where they have gone, I don't know why they're not in my size.  If it's money they want for them, I will give them what they need.  If they give me the sneaker, this will be the end of it.  If not, I will find them, and I will kill them...  And then I will wear the aforementioned light-up sneaker.